10 life-changing books on healing

Narcissism, C-PTSD, codependency, safe people, and more

I’m in a sweet and short season where my social and volunteer calendar is not full for the first time in twenty years. I’m not traveling to speak this year and giving my attention and time to just a few things. Allowing my body, heart, and nervous system to heal is hard and holy work. Recovery is a lifelong journey and in case you’re looking for a few summer reads for your TBR pile, here are my favorites on healing — some I am re-reading and some I am enjoying for the first time.

I should also say that non-fiction is not my cup of tea. I love fiction or to-die-for essay/memoir style books (reading Thick right now and o.m.g.) but books on healing are instrumental in understanding how we tick, why we do what we do, and the backstory that leaves us susceptible to hurtful or harmful people and behaviors. So, here we go, my top 10 must-read list for you!

It’s not you by Dr. Ramani Durvasula

I was already a huge fan, gleaning from Dr. Ramani about the family roles we play and how narcissism shapes that but wow, this book is a revelation — thorough and accessible. She introduced me to the idea of moderate narcissists and antagonistic relationships. I’m looking back over my life and dialing into a very specific blind spot of transactional relationships that start out well but end with being taken advantage of. These words will stay with me: “These are deeply asymmetric relationships and you and the narcissistic person are playing by different rules and expectations. Where you are hoping for connection and attachment, they are working from control and selfishness. As a result, they are emotionally investing far less and deriving far more.”

Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

I am friends with this book and when I read it the first time, I was about three months sober, before my first relapse. This book and accompanying workbook gave me language and tools to understand my past and make peace with it.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

A classic that helps rid us of the unhealthy enmeshment we have with others. The inability to differentiate or individualize ourselves from people we admire or love, hinders our personal expression and transformation.

The Pain We Carry by Natalie Y. Gutiérrez

This is the only book on this list that I have not read, yet, but have heard from friends that it is a worthy read. I’m looking forward to learning more about the experience of non-white women as well as an issue I’ve personally faced, along with many of you, CPTSD.

Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Yes, it is a book about parenting but honestly, it is a book about how we are all good inside. If you’re looking to better understand your family dynamics growing up and stop repeating the guilt and shame cycles you may have inherited, this book is for you!

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate

His tender words changed my life. I discovered Gabor Mate on an episode of Armchair Expert and I wept. His understanding of social location and its impact on the nervous system and women specifically set me free. He gets why women have autoimmune diseases at unbearable rates and why we struggle to get free from the pressures and pains of our lives. GET IT.

Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov

Over 1M copies sold and it is a revolution. Do you do too much in dating relationships like I used to? Well, hells bells, Loretta, learn how to burn hot dogs in a microwave and serve them with toothpicks, mustard and ketchup, and see if he/she sticks around. I learned how to be a good partner in this book and I learned more about my value and worth and how not to cast pearls before swine, okay?! Buy it for your single friends!

Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hershey

Oh my word, the Nap Ministry’s founder is a gift to this world. We needed her work and her words. Rest don’t come natural to most of us but it needs to, so we can really enjoy the short little life we’ve been given.

What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo

Again, with the CPTSD study and memoir written by a Malaysian journalist, who returns home to unpack generational trauma and give us the gift of understanding. Highly recommend!

Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud

This book is the gift that keeps on giving (since 2002 for me, baby). I love the insight here to see ourselves and see others. We can recognize the areas we are unsafe and change as well as recognizing the necessary boundaries and vulnerabilities we want to have with others.

Honorable Mentions:

• The Best of You: Break Free from Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God by Dr. Allison Cook (She is a friend and as glorious as you might imagine - I love following her online. She’s tender, understanding of recovery, and a breath of fresh air!)

• My Body Is Not a Prayer Request by Dr. Amy Kenny (I will sing Amy’s praises until my dying day and if you’ve been around for a minute, you already know about this one! My friendship with Amy really prepared me for my diagnosis - her commentary on crip time changed my life!)

• Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy by Aundi Kolber

• Out of Sorts: Making Peace with an Evolving Faith by Sarah Bessey (changed my life and kept me in the church when I was tempted to walk away for good - also, I adore Sarah - she is a wonderful, gracious guide in the wilderness.)

• The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath by Mark Buchanan (this one started Cody and I on a contemplative journey and kick started regular rhythms of rest in our family.)

• Why Am I Like This?: How to Break Cycles, Heal from Trauma, and Restore Your Faith by Kobe Campbell (Adore this woman… she is the real deal.)