Tweet of the week to kick us off:
Seriously, what is Texas doing, and does no one see the irony in fighting for agency in your parenting, but not for parents you don’t agree with? Also, book bans! Thank God Anne and Danny Dodson didn’t care what we read. I was winning lunch at Pizza Hut for the family and had a laminated t-shirt cutout with my name on it hanging in the cafeteria. Gold stars for my reading.
The library opened my heart up to people, nuance, difference. Stories made room inside me for truth. Young folks need exposure because that’s real life. It’s why control and fear will never be an effective parenting strategy. At some point, they leave the nest. Hopefully, you’ve taught them good judgment so they can make wise decisions as an adult and not just told your kids what to do their entire life.
I’m anti-book bans and anti-stupid laws that cause unnecessary hurt and harm.
And Ukraine. I woke this morning, read news reports, watched tanks roll in, and saw right-wingers spew their rhetoric about Russia and Putin. My heart aches for the state of our world. The culture wars are devoid of reason; I grieve that we are losing our sense of belonging to one another. It is my desire for us to return to neighborliness - caring outside the boxes we put ourselves and others inside, maturing in love.
Let’s stop for a second - I’m inviting you to consider this, without any judgment: what are you grieving? What is your desire?
Twenty years ago this week, I began my sobriety journey.
Since the world is coming apart at the seams and the days are difficult, I thought it would be helpful to share the top three things I’ve learned in the last two decades about healing and wholeness. It’s so easy to numb ourselves, stay stuck, or bury our heads in the sand. But we need you here, fully alive and fully yourself. Okay, ready? Here we go:
There's no quick fix and no formula.
Time does not heal all things, but healing takes time. Stop pushing yourself (and others) to change quickly. You cannot. If you want a thorough work of freedom and wholeness, learn to rest and trust the process. One day at a time. Recovery keeps healing from being a high you chase or a one-time event that doesn’t work after a couple of months. It’s going to be a big mess and ruin your dreams of perfection and control. Your image will get smashed and it will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Every time it happens to you. A friend reminded me of an Anne Lamott quote today:
"I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”
She also said that "perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor. Stop trying to control every outcome and move on so quickly. The daily work of recovery is how we come to accept our brokenness and love our humanity. That healing is lasting and real. But it is not fast.
Find your people.
When I worked in the community for years, I discovered an effective approach to healing called wraparound services. It’s strength, team, and community-based. That means no one thing is strong enough on its own to solve the problems a person is facing. In recovery, here are the people I’ve discovered we need:
Reciprocal friendships - abiding, true to the bone, love you at your worst, let you do the same.
Recovery and support groups - celebrate recovery, group therapy, any of the anonymous programs, small groups, etc.
Therapy - if you can afford it. Many therapists offer sliding scales or group therapy options. If you have insurance, you’d be surprised that some sessions are covered!
Community - We thrive when we are surrounded by people of all ages and stages both in our local neighborhood and in a spiritual setting. We learn and grow, discover what’s normal, feel and express compassion and joy, grief and frustration. This is important - so don’t join a cult, okay? Or a cult-adjacent. (Made that mistake myself and ignored my entire family throwing red flags on the field.)
Meaningful work - The role is not important, but the opportunity for integrity and presence is. You may not be in your dream job (join nearly every person on the Earth), but being responsible to others and for your work is a huge part of recovery. It’s also a great place to learn how to deal with disappointment and annoying people. Cause, that’s life.
Refreshing group activities - Book clubs, small groups, running with Brene Brown, writing over zoom with friends in other cities… whatever it is, find folks to share your passions with, to laugh with, who will acknowledge and see you.
Isn’t it easy to see why Covid knocked many down? Although some who needed a time-out got it and they thrived during the last few years. The point is: WE NEED PEOPLE. Recovery is not possible without getting close. Relational hurts are healed by relationships. Hard, but true.
Lower your expectations.
We live and die on our expectations. If you live in perpetual disappointment, you will be constantly at risk for relapse. For many people, the feeling of helplessness or disappointment triggers shame, anger, anxiety, or the need to numb. Healthy expectations for ourselves, God, and others anchor us in reality and fill us with hope.
If we are dealing in reality, it’s easier to take things as they come, instead of getting upset all the time when the picture in your head doesn’t match what’s happening in real-time. Please bear in mind that caretakers need to lower expectations of themselves. I used to have ZERO standards for others and impossible expectations for myself. My only value seemed to be in how I could serve others and make their lives better. Because of this people and communities took advantage of my skills, labor, and desire to serve. But my part in that? I let them. Because it was my internal belief that the only way to be loved was to do for others constantly. I didn’t know my worth and I learned reciprocity the hard way, but it started with the right expectations.
Friend, the grace of God holds.
Twenty years later, despite the fresh hell of Covid and Earth at large, I’m sober. Whether you’ve dealt with an addiction or not, I know these things can help you. Now, tell our neighborhood - what have you learned about staying sane in difficult times? We need to know what you know. Thank you for being here.