Mentor Mondays are the most popular and favorite thing I do on the Internet. I drop a question box into Instagram on Sundays and spend Monday in the DM's and stories answering questions. I love it - if you're new here, I'm taking a few questions to respond to in a longer video. Loneliness is real, and questions about relationships are frequent. Here we go - happy Mentor Monday. (But on Tuesday after hours this week, because technology.)
Friendships change. Sometimes they need to end, and sometimes boundaries need to change. No one is immune to this, especially after the last couple of years. Covid is pressing us all to examine our lives and relationships.
I'm pressing into neighborliness. What does it look like to be a better neighbor? How can I cultivate connection on the Internet and in real life, stay true to myself, and keep a warm welcome? That includes my friendships. If this resonates with you, I'm inviting you to this process of discovery as well.
The short version of this video, if you want to read and return to watch:
QUESTION 1: What do you do when you have to end a friendship?
It's scary, to tell the truth in a friendship that needs to end or change, but we need to name it. Know that sometimes we end relationships that require a boundary change. What is best for you? Then, have the difficult conversation you're probably avoiding. Here's a little help:
"This isn't working, and I wish it were. I'm so grateful for our history. We've shared some incredible times, but now it's time to move on." or "You mean so much to me, and I've noticed we're both changing. I want to say that I see the adjustments in our friendship, and I get it. You're important to me, and I'm glad we're connected, even if that looks different than it used to."
Question 2: How do you make friends as an adult?
First of all, if you have tips, do not leave here without sharing in the comments. I'm learning this one with you! But I'm trying a few things lately, and they're working for this 41-year-old mom of three.
Challenge your inner dialogue about trust and risk. It will take time, energy, and resources to make new friends. They're usually in short supply, but it takes what it takes.
After school pick-up, in a class, you're taking, at your job or faith community - where are you most likely to catch a vibe? Where are the organic intersections? Eyes wide open (but not in the creepy way of Nicole and Tom).
That leads me to the next: Lower the pressure and expectations, like in dating. If you think someone hung the moon in five minutes, you might be right, but you might be wrong. Give it time. Are you okay with letting someone make mistakes or fail? Are you okay with showing your true self?
Cultivate reciprocity and clear communication. Please don't be weird or demanding, but it's okay to DTR. Dating is not the only place where we should define the relationship. Keep trying and stay open, even after disappointment. This process is how friends get made.
What else have you learned about friendship? How are you making friends after two years of drastic changes? Now is an excellent time to help each other.
In this with you,
Ashley
P.S. These posts will be free for a few months, and then Mentor Monday will be for paid subscribers only. For the cost of your favorite latte every month, I will offer you valuable wisdom you can trust, listen, and respond to you when you share. I'm excited about our time together.
Mentor Monday: How to end or change a friendship