On our #spoiler-central Slack channel at work, we post what we’re watching, listening to, and reading. Which is how I got sucked into Love is Blind season two. My husband felt ashamed of the tears I shed in the first two episodes when I believed God for Shake’s breakthrough. Then, during episode three, he was cooking chicken thighs in the skillet, and next thing I know, he’s next to me on the couch, his mouth agape.
This is almost word for word what I messaged my co-workers. Queen Deepti!! When she folded herself into her mother’s arms, I ugly cried until my throat hurt. “I chose me, Mama.,” she said, and Mama responded, “I’m so proud of you.” What a wonderful treasure Love is Blind turned out to be. (Although I sent angry tweets during that trip to Mexico, y’all.”
What does it mean to choose yourself?
I’ve thought about this often over the last decade. I’m assertive, but advocating for myself does not come naturally. In fact, every personality test I take says some version of “Are you okay inside, sis? Because these two things are kind of rough put together.” INFP-A on Meyers Briggs; D-C on the DISC; 8 wing 9 on the Enneagram. I am assertive and shy; high achieving and whatever man; the voice of dissent but oddly low-maintenance; dishes it and can also take it. A bundle of paradox.
Whenever I advocate for myself, I replay the email or phone call, or dialogue in my head repeatedly with positive feelings of reflection equally matched with: Did I do too much? Say too much? Take it too far? Should I have just let it go? Does it really matter? Yes. It matters very much that we speak up for ourselves and for others.
As we watched Ketanji Brown Jackson’s supreme court confirmation hearing, abuse and advocacy sat across from her at the nation’s table. Ted Cruz waved around books, asking about critical race theory. (We proudly read Antiracist baby in our home, by the way.) He printed charts with quotes taken out of context, and Judge Jackson kept her composure. I admit to turning off Senator Graham’s foolish behind because he makes my blood pressure rise, and please do not get me started on Josh Hawley, who is so hard-up for viral content that he will do anything literally. Their smirks, bad faith questions, and flat-out lies are the kind of violence women know so well.
It is expected that we accept it, endure it, answer to it. This language is so common that people do not consider it violence. But I do. Manipulation, slander, control, condescension - it is aggressive and painful.
Judge Jackson, another Queen, did endure it. She spoke the truth, and she held herself together gracefully and will be confirmed as a supreme court judge in America. The first black woman in history. I thank God and share the joy Senator Cory Booker expressed to her in an incredible display of advocacy.
“Nobody can take this away from me… God’s got you,” he said. I think about how this landed on the senators who are quick to claim Christ and then use him to police people. I wonder if they believe someone who does not think, look, or vote like them, can be a faithful follower.
Esther Perel says that the opposite of paradox is polarization. When we do not leave room for all people to be beloved, there is room for us to make them enemies. I prefer the merciful words of Father Greg Boyle: “God doesn’t have enemies; God has children.” But I am challenged to live them. Is Ted Cruz beloved by God? Is Lindsey Graham? Is Josh Hawley? Is Mitch McConnell? Dammit to hell, yes.
(Me: Would not the rapture be simpler then me learning to love simpletons, Lord?)
The mercy of God is unbearable, but we must live it. We do not withhold the truth. We must rise up and resist. The beloved community is ours to create. And we make it through steadfast mercy, loving-kindness, and transformational, embodied love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love does fail to keep me from going off on trolls from time to time. (Because I had time TODAY, fam.) Overall, like me, I hope you are trending up on love and mercy. Let’s take a page from Queen Deepti and Judge Jackson’s book. Make a wholehearted commitment to stay true to yourself. To choose yourself. To advocate for others. God’s got you, my friend.
With love in the After Hours,
Ashley
P.S. Two books you need: #1: My friend Andre Henry released a book this week, All the White Friends I Couldn’t Keep. He’s a writer’s writer, and the book is transformative. This is the perfect week to read it or listen to the audiobook. #2: One of my mentors, Lisa Sharon Harper, released Fortune: How Race Broke My Family and the World and How to Repair it All in February. She traces 16 generations in her family’s history, which is stunning and heart-wrenching. Get ready to be changed.
P.P.S. An article I loved this week: I gained 70 pounds during Covid, and here’s what happened on my first day back in the office