I'm completely absorbed in the Chris Pine, and Harry Styles spit drama. If you are living under a rock, there's a new movie with many people I have never seen before in my life. But will I watch it? Yes, I will, when it's available for (probably) $18 at home because going to the movies requires many more dollars for childcare, tickets, snacks, and time. It doesn't even look good, but I'm here for it because Chris Pine is greater than Harry Styles.
Chris said there's no way that Harry spit on him. Believable because in what world does someone spit on you, and your logical response is not to slap them into next week? I'm turning my Twitter feed into a place where evangelical academic doctrine drama and binary political commentary are most unwelcome, but slow-mo videos of the alleged spit by Elton John Harry are undoubtedly welcome. After listening to all the evidence on TikTok, slacking with Styles' number one fan at work, and reading all the Twitter commentary, I don't think he did it; Harry is innocent. Still, Chris Pine is all of us in 2022, is he not?
Look at him, barely tolerating the nonsense. He has had it up to his eyeballs with your bull crap, Harry. You were ten when Chris made his first "real movie," so cut it out.
This is the exact level of internet connection I want in my life, how about you? It's all I can handle. Speaking of lack of capacity for foolishness, this is me on Instagram.
We can't call Chris the goat (Serena is the GOAT), but he took up ample space in my online life this week, and I am delighted. He is not impressed, and we are here for it.
Anyway, this is barely connected at all, but I've been thinking about what it means to quit things.
How do you give something up? Why do you do it, and when? What are we allowed to give up? What is generally frowned upon when you quit? (A lot of things, especially if you are a good Christian girl!)
If I'm honest, here's what I know:
The best things in my life came from quitting.
I quit drinking and drugging myself into the pitch-black silence. I quit dating fools. I stopped trying to prove myself to people who would never give me their love or approval. I quit trying to be the smartest person in the room. (I'm not. Who cares?) I quit bad jobs with terrible pay (or no pay cause that's a thing for women in ministry and publishing). I quit bowing to the pressure of always having something to say. I quit making everything a ten that really outta be a two. I've stopped telling people what to do. I've given up trying to be who I used to be, and I'm owning who I am. (My capacity is different; my desires are different; my life is evolving into something beautiful.) I quit trying to do it all, and I'm settling into the little life I desire with my children and family.
My sobriety and sanity, my husband and family, my friends and career, and my faith and freedom started with giving up. Perseverance is a quality I possess, and I suspect many of you do, too. Loyalty is probably synonymous with our name and reputation. I don't want to speak for you, but I've been loyal to a fault. Suffering taught me to endure and to let go. There are times to push through and times to hang your boots up. With age, I'm discerning more quickly which to do and when.
I write you this week not only to solicit your opinions about #spitgate but to champion you in the things you feel compelled to do. As a few examples, you want to write all your life, stay sober, adopt children, get out of debt, or live to fight another day; I got you - let's help you hold 'em.
But friend, I also want to champion your freedom to fold 'em because quitting could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
I don't quit often, so I need the assurance that it's okay sometimes. Maybe you do, too. You don't have to do what everyone else does or says you should do. It's okay to ask questions and gently probe where your ideas about loyalty, suffering, worthiness, and desire developed. It's reasonable to change your mind, to learn that what used to work for you no longer works for you. It's okay to admit things aren't easy and ask for help when needed.
When I lived with my friend Jocelyn in 2004, I'd train clients from 5 am to 8 am, then sit on her yellow couch and watch Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, and TD Jakes from 9 am to noon, trying to stay sane and sober. Joyce often said about personal growth, "You're gonna suffer, either way, so you might as well suffer for your good." Her words reminded me that sobriety caused me so much suffering. I didn't want to feel the pain, deal with my issues, or face the truth. Numbing felt easier and better but only for a short time until addiction's guilt and shame cycle continued. Finally, I wanted to suffer toward integrity and wholeness.
There comes a point when it hurts to keep doing something you know is not good for you, and it hurts to stop. Stopping creates a scary void we're eager to fill with something familiar. If you've kept yourself externally and internally busy for years, slowing down is a wild exercise. Giving up the addiction to achievements, approval, hurry, and worry is painful and hard. If you've been paralyzed by fear, embracing courage feels like a move only a dodo bird would make but trying things is the only way to overcome that fear.
If you learned that your primary value is to take care of others and that taking care of yourself is selfish, it will hurt to start saying no. People will not be thrilled about you giving up your caretaker role in their lives. Those who benefit from your lack of boundaries will not be pleased to know you found some. If you struggle to finish the things you start, it will hurt to keep pushing yourself to the end, but it will be so worth knowing that you can give up giving up on yourself.
I recently jumped on the phone with a friend - she'd made a similar pivot a few years ago and worked to make her life smaller and smaller like I want to. She said, "Okay, tell me right now, without thinking, what are the three things you'd do?" And it tumbled right out of me, the truth.
Building an existence we love requires give and take, push and pull, yes and no. You get to pick. As Mary Oliver said, "What will you do with your one wild and precious life?" What do you want? What's working for you and your loved ones? What might be worth making a change? Whose insight do you trust? Who gives you a judgment-free zone to process and think out loud about your desires and your struggles? What are you thankful for? What refreshes you? How can you get more of that in your life? What is not refreshing but is fulfilling? How can you endure it with joy? Who do you need to bless? Is there something you love but cannot do any longer? Why not? If you give it up, what will you gain? If you don't, what will you lose?
Thank you for being a bright spot on the internet. You fill this world with joy, and I think God is so incredibly proud of you.
Rooting for you always,
Ashley
PS Legit quitting Instagram soon. Anyone else?
PPS Slow motion tiktoks regarding the spit heard round the world are welcome in the comments.
PPPS Tips on changing what the algorithm feeds you are NEEDED in the comments.
I just quit my job! Yes to all of this sis ❤️
I've read this essay a dozen times since you sent it. It's good. Letting it sit. But, also I watched the video and it certainly LOOKS like Chris got spit on. But, mainly it's his reaction that's the tell. Otherwise, why would he act like that??