203 texts, a pile of clothes, 14 cups, and perimenopause

The 5-R's of Resilience and Recovery

May 16, 2024

TikTok seems to think I have ADHD because every three videos is a girl talking about how she hates the sound of chewing, knows the answer but can’t show her work, and can spot a charismatic (low key) crazy person ten miles away. If that is the diagnostic criteria, sign-me up: Reasonable, smart, and discerning? Yes, please.

Currently, there are three cups, one mug, two water bottles, and one empty water bottle next to my bed. Add to that, a pile of clothes I discard each night before bed, a pile of washed (not folded) towels on a chair, and a basket of laundry (folded, not put away). Turns out, I also leave cabinets open but I can start and finish tasks, manage my time effectively, eat the same foods every day for a century, and stay interested in projects/people/things forever. So, I don’t know if TikTok has me nailed or not. (Probably not — I’m also on the abandoned towns, NBA fashion, and modern art algorithms.)

Anyway, I didn’t start losing my memory until I had lots of babies in diapers running around and while blood tests and doctors say I’m nowhere near perimenopause, but A FEW SIGNS ARE PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR. Plus, we all know that there are barely any actual tests, studies, or data on women’s health so what do they know? It took me two years to get an autoimmune diagnosis for a disease I KNEW I HAD but it took three primaries, three endocrinologists, and a particular legal question to get them to listen to me. (My midlife series covers it all.)

So, is my problem motherhood, midlife, my autoimmune disease, ADHD, or perimenopause? Do you have 99 problems? Who are you talking to about them? How are you regulating your body and emotions?

My group chats are filled with conversations about all the things: vaginal prolapse, extreme fatigue, results of hormone and gut microbiome tests, IEP evaluation results, financial struggles, break-ups… we run the gamut, bless our little hearts but we also share stories, send cute pics and hilarious memes, so we can laugh together about the absurdity of life.

Whatever our problems are, people add meaning to the struggle.

Speaking of struggle, in my cohort this week, we’re discussing how to sustain the struggle for liberation and freedom in our lifetime and for the generations behind us. In order to go the distance — despite our challenegs — we need to develop habits that lead to resilience. One of my favorite professors, pastora, and faith-rooted organizer, Rev. Alexia Salvatierra walked us through the 5 R’s of Resilience and Recovery, a schema developed by Dr. Cynthia Eriksson. I found it practical and helpful and wanted to pass on this information to you, too.

5 R’s of Resilience and Recovery

Regulation

Our bodies run on sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. Sympathetic nervous system is what tells your body to respond to threats or fears through what is commonly known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Parasympathetic nervous system is what calms your body so that it can rest and experience peace and joy. When our bodies are overloaded, we can get stuck in fight, flight, or freeze so that the body is unable to calm itself and remains in a permanent state of anxiety, however that might manifest for you. Learning to regulate the nervous system, getting it unstuck, and expressing emotion freely through the body is critical to regulating the system. Talk therapy isn’t enough. Getting in the sun, going for walks, dancing, laughing, stretching all help get the body unstuck so that it can regulate itself again through the parasympathetic system.

Right Thinking

Who (or what) is living rent-free inside your head? When you attempt to move forward or take a risk, what stops you? Is it a voice from childhood? A cultural message that you subconsciously internalized? You have to right wrong thinking by replacing lies with truth. During my second year of recovery, I taped a list of “I am” statements to my mirror and said them out loud every single day. I felt like a crazy person and didn’t even believe half of the things coming out of my mouth but by the end of that year, I felt stronger in my identity, less inferior to others, and more capable of taking risks. For people of faith, we hold to a standard of belief that assigns value and worth based on being human and made in the image of God, not on our capacity to produce, so ridding ourselves of dangerous messages through memorizing meaningful scriptures to counteract the bad beliefs we inherited is necessary for resiliency.

Relationships

AKA community. Hear me when I tell you that you can go through anything with the right people in your corner, even the worst, unbearable things. I am resilient because of my relationships. I remember when my stepmom died and my bed was piled high with people holding me and crying with me. I’ve sat in recovery and talk circles thousands of times and been held in the presence of others. I’ve prayed and worshipped while I could barely stand and I’ve held the hands and rubbed the backs of friends while they did the same. Even if nothing changes in our situation, the people we surround ourselves with can make it more or less miserable with their hopeful perspectives and insights to help us.

Rest

Establishing rhythms of rest and taking a day off every week to do as you please (unless you have kids, then you’ll be doing what you want in pockets) helps our bodies recover. If you are constantly tired, exhausted from overworking and overthinking, pushing your body further than it has the ability to go, then you will not sustain any struggle to stay resilient. I learned this lesson the hard way by running myself into the ground physically, spiritually, and financially for people who really did not give a damn about my wellbeing or personhood. When I learned to work hard and rest (and stopped letting the pressure of others’ expectations drive me), I started to heal and recover. Now, listen, I am still tired af. My kids are 9, 6, and 3. The demands start early and end late; there are plenty of sleepless nights but I am more balanced in my approach to work, home, and how I deal with my own (and other people’s) expectations.

Reason

Rev. Salvatierra calls this one “Meaning” and shared that Dr. Eriksson argues that the former four enrich our reasons for living and not the other way around. It’s important to ask, why do we do what we do? I often marvel at Hebrews 11:13 that says our heroes of the faith died without ever receiving the promise. The American faith orientation that demands and declares prosperity and wealth as God’s “favor” cultivates an orientation of meaning correlated to entitlement and ownership. No wonder the church’s public witness is riddled with scandals of corruption, narcissism, and abuse and overlooks the faithful witness of ordinary churches who are doing the real work of the gospel without any fanfare. Anyway, back to your life, what gives your pursuits and passions meaning? How do you interpret the sufferings and struggles of this life with spiritual meaning? What fills you with hope and inspires you to put your feet on the floor every morning? Those are your reasons for resiliency and recovery. My children’s children are one of my reasons. We hope to gift them with resources, education, and a legacy of generosity and justice. I seek to stay sober for them. What are your reasons?

Friend, this life ain’t for the faint of heart. A cicada flew into my face today and smacked me with its wings. The humiliation of life is plenty. But so is the joy. I hope you are finding your way, taking care of yourself and your body, enjoying your people and places.